you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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