Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
All the doctor said was why
Randomize