Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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