Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
