i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
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