The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
