i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
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