Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
