your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
