Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
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