Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
