i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
