sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
