He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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