dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize
