When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
