he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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