Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
