Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize