I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
