so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
