We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
