i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
