I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
we're chasing vodka with high fives
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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