College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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