There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
