I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
