I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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