Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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