Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
