During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
