i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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