I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
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