He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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