i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
