so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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