He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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