I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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