farters have to be the big spoon...
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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