You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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