I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
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