A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
It's blow job season.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
did i just pee glitter
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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