this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Randomize
