His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
