If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
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