Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
As shirtless as possible
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
