If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Randomize
