Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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