i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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