I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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