I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
