He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
