Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
