Im at strip club and am horny
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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