I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
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