did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
