i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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