I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize