Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
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