i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
